This week has been a "vacation" for me. A vacation from what, it would be fair to ask, since I no longer even attempt to have jobs in the world. (This blog is what I consider my job!) Well, it's more a case of having a full week to myself, and having decided to do things rather differently. I've eaten at different times of day, or sometimes, not at all. I've had an unusual number of get-togethers with friends. And I've done some "binge-watching", watching several episodes in a row of TV shows that appeal.
This included, of all things, "Project Runway". As I said last time, my wardrobe is atrocious. As I got "poorer and poorer", the notion of spending any money on items other than decent walking shoes became out of the question. I had watched several seasons of this show when it originally aired; it is set at Parsons School of Design (where I studied illustration, not fashion, in the 1980's), and it has wonderful video clips of New York City. Why was this show attracting me now? It's irritatingly competitive (conflict shows up everywhere!), and I have yet to see many appealing contestants. It's not likely that when I pack my proverbial rolling bag (see last post), I'll head to the Big Apple.
But I think I have discovered why this show re-entered my life at this time. One episode featured a designer who created a fabric inspired from his life. At first, he wouldn't reveal what the backstory was. Yet finally he did, under questioning from the judges, a secret he had kept from the world for over ten years. Once he blurted it out, he felt lighter, more powerful, and more creative, and he went on to almost win the season's top prize.
Watching this sent shivers down my spine. Clearly, it resonated, but why? What am I holding back? It's not my sexuality; I would give anything to meet a man on my wavelength in this lifetime, to be in that kind of partnership. I'm not transgender. I am not hiding any serious addictions. To my knowledge, I have no major physical or mental health issues, and I have no questionable hobbies. I have already openly spoken here of the hardest aspect of my family background...and I hope I will continue to have the courage to do so.
What finally came to me is that I still haven't completely understood (or revealed) how fully "Goddess-centered" I am, and how that has informed my entire life. And I haven't fully embraced the power of aligning with Her. The little girl who wanted to sing with the men and boys was the divine feminine wanting expression. The "no, no, no" I've heard within me my entire life when confronted with institutions, types of jobs, news events, economic realities, societal expectations -- this was the Goddess trying to get my attention, trying to say, there are other ways of doing everything, everything, ways that are loving, creative, sustainable, more suitable to me as a woman and more suitable to caring for the earth. But up until now, fear has kept me from speaking too openly of what I know in my heart. I've seen what has happened historically to powerful women, and I see (and have experienced) the pushback that happens to "us" in this era. I have been afraid of my own power, which, of course, isn't "power over" but power with the only creative power that exists.
Almost eight years after starting this blog, I still "have" nothing, thus, more than ever, I have nothing to lose. It is a miracle that I am still alive, really. I'm in the eye of the needle, and there is no going back to the person I was even a year ago. It can only be that my life and blog up to this point were "introductory". They set the stage for more powerfully expressing my best take on what the Goddess would be saying now. They set the stage for more powerfully embodying how She would be in these times. I've been gathering strength, wisdom -- and, most of all, courage. As long as I write and "be" in a place of only love, may I hold back no more.
