What I am starting with may seem to be a non sequitur to the things I've been talking about, but it's not. Bear with me.
I've referred a few times to my Dad, and how I finally "got" (a few years before his death in 2018) that he was virtually incapable of human feeling. It is a lesson, of course, that keeps reverberating. As I get older, I find I am relating more and more to the energetic reality under the surface of everything. The energy dynamic in relating to him was -- me, saying something with feeling (worry, compassion, fear, love), and him, looking at me with a blank stare and then looking away. The last time I saw him, I wanted to talk with him about my brother who had passed away. I asked him, "What did you like about him?" And Dad just stared at me uncomprehendingly and changed the subject. Friends have tried to excuse this or explain it, thinking he might have had dementia or another condition. But I am convinced that this was not the case. I look back decades to my poor mom, trying to get Dad to explain some of the impossible situations he was getting the family into. She would be crying, yelling, pleading with him to just talk with her, and he wouldn't do it. She finally sank into a state of numbness that, on one level, never went away. I wish I had better understood the situation before she died...
Once in a blue moon, the blank stare would crack, and he would explode in rage. In my late twenties, after I had moved to New York City and was in therapy for the first time, I made the mistake of mentioning it on a visit home to my parents, completely in the context of wanting to understand my life better and bring more love into our family. Dad erupted. This was too much of a direct threat to him, I guess, and he essentially threw me out, telling me never to return. Trying to get from the shores of Lake Champlain to the next bus or train south was a challenge -- but for about three years I did, indeed, have little-to-no-contact with my parents. When my mom inherited a little money and they were able to move out of state and buy a small year-round house, I slowly tried to re-enter the family. But I still didn't understand until way too late that just about all the actual emotional effort was on my part.
To say that I have replicated this same energetic construct over and over again is an understatement (!) But I am also wondering if it has to do with much larger issues. What it has felt like to be a creative, artistic, feeling, woman facing, if you will, the impenetrable wall of our patriarchal system -- begging to use my best gifts and be supported for who I am, not for what I can do to further its goals -- is the same complete frustration, the same sense of "the lights are on but no one is home". And it may be fanciful to do this, but I envision Nature trying to get humanity's attention about the environment. She loves Earth with a passion, and wants us to understand the kind of danger it is in. Yet with some notable exceptions, we are staying deaf and blind to her pleading. We are giving Her the blank stare.
If I am particularly hard on Artificial Intelligence, I think this is at the root of it. I don't think it will ever be possible for such "intelligence" to have a heart. The humanity in most of us will always be met with a kind of blank stare. They can program in artificial heartiness, friendliness, and helpfulness, but genuine caring? I don't think so. Or perhaps even if they do, I may simply find that I am too hurt and traumatized to trust it. I keep talking about love, and I realize I am only in my first baby steps. But I guess I'd rather be in love kindergarten than in technological grad school.
