You'd be forgiven for thinking that this is morphing into an oracle card journal, and heck, maybe it is. I'm open to however the spirit moves from this point forward! Anyway, I did metaphorically spend meditative time this weekend, between hours watching the runners in the rain and taking in (the next day) the sunny expanse of Lake Superior. It's amazing how overfull the city is on the day of the marathon, then it almost completely empties out within 24 hours.
Before pulling a card this morning, I stated my intention, which is to "decide" within the week what my next step will be. I am already living in a small state of chaos, with books in boxes to be given or thrown away (the latter, the ones that are simply too heavily annotated by me for anyone else to read through!) Will the "step" take me across town or across the country or the world? I was surprised to find, yesterday, how dispassionate I felt at the view of this lake which I love. It's not that I don't still fully embrace Her magnificence. I guess it's more that I'm ready to stand on my own two feet in representing the Goddess, and may not need great lakes (Superior or Champlain) as a crutch. As my mother used to say, "We shall see."
I used the traditional Rider deck, and didn't get the kind of card I might have expected: Five of Cups. This depicts a black-robed figure facing away from view, with three spilt cups at her feet, and two upright cups behind. There is a river flowing in front of her (or me!) and a bridge a small distance away, leading to what is typically referred to as a house, but its tower looks to me like an English church or cathedral. Most books refer to dealing with grief, and with the hopeful possibilities represented by the two remaining full cups and the bridge.
My initial interpretation is that I need to acknowledge my sadness and frustration of having had a life so far from where I would have wanted to be. It's like, I have spent a lifetime looking "across the pond" to England watching my life energy spill out, feeling helpless to get there permanently, despite so many attempts. And yet, there are two full cups behind me and the bridge is near.
If I had stayed in the UK in 1981 after studying for my MMus, my life would have focused on the male paradigms in church music, history, traditions, etc. Although I cannot know this for sure, I would probably have made far less headway toward focusing on the divine feminine. Because of having been cut adrift from my home of many lifetimes, I had to blindly start making my way to my new spiritual home, to understand myself and the feminine principle from the inside out, without the old trappings.
Today, may I not assume that the distant building is a cathedral, and that I literally need to pick up the last two cups, cross the bridge, and go back. Going "back" is not an option, at least in the same way. Yes, there is some grieving that I still need to do, but may I also start to appreciate that I had the journey I most needed. As I pick up the last two cups (and what remains of my energy!), may my question be, not "Where do I wish to be?", but "Where can I be of the most use to the Goddess, and what does she want me to do there?"
