The last two or three nights have been, almost literally, sleepless. (I'm calling it "sleep-free" here because I used "Sleepless Nights" for a previous blog post.) Duluth has finally received a dose of very hot weather, and having a small fan pointing right at me night and day isn't doing the trick. I've taken some random bus rides and gone to the mall just to feel the cool air, and that's philosophically hard for me, but when the wind isn't coming from the east off the cool lake, I guess I'll use the air conditioning being offered in public places.
There were other reasons for not sleeping. What had seemed in June like a "portal" of time to figure out a new living situation, has, of course, morphed into a real Labor Day deadline. I am truly glad I took the time -- and am in a different "place" than a few months ago -- but it's wrenching nonetheless. I also have to see the dentist, something that is challenging, and which I have always hated doing alone.
The dark night of the soul yielded a few rich nuggets, however. It hit me that the common denominator of everything personal these days is love -- or lack of it. When my dad (I'm quite sure) told me at birth that "You're on your own, kid" -- it sent me on an extraordinary solitary journey, but also left me perpetually mystified by the notion of permanence. What would it be like to be wanted forever by one person or one situation, unconditionally? What would it be like to have someone always accompany you to appointments? (and vice versa!) I see elderly couples taking the bus to the doctor, and actually envy them. Even when it looks like neither of them will successfully walk (or walker) up to the next corner, it touches my heart...perhaps even more so knowing that both people are in pain, barely able to get around. They cherish each other enough to be there with the other. Somewhere deep in my soul, I know such cherishing, perhaps from former lifetimes, but it has yet to really surface in this one.
These first few hours of daylight brought an interesting insight into where I'll be going. I guess all my pleas to the Goddess were heard (!) Of course, I need to sit with it for a few days, and I do have just about that much time. I'll try to keep my "seas" calm, as thunder rattles around the head of the lake.
