This morning, I am almost in tears, I am so thankful and happy. The process of this particular "retreat" (and the cat-sitting day or so as I ease out of it) has been so intense and profound -- and, at 69-going-on-70 -- so necessary. A reckoning. A PhD dissertation. A point which I'm sure relatively few people attain, that, "Thank goodness I've reached this point in this lifetime" moment. I did a happy jig the other morning, and while I'm not feeling quite as agile this morning, I am glowing.
I mean, in some ways it is so simple and so obvious. By the time I was about six, all the pieces that make me "me" were in place. I had already (at 4) fallen in love with the English men and boys' choir tradition (and had deep memories of other lifetimes in that country). I wanted to sing (or later, to conduct or have some other significant connection with the tradition) -- and I also had a clear sense of my identities (and past lives) as a saint and a nun. And I had been pushed ahead in school, so my intellectual capacity was recognized by teachers. I mean, by second grade!!! What this last week provided was the opportunity to circle around and return to the core truths. Completely. Fully. Warm-heartedly. Embracing myself. With forgiveness for myself and the world. Back to the starting line.
Because, with a few exceptions, most of my life from that point forward involved trying to fulfill society's expectations for me or, failing that, to find a way of being me that would at least meet with some minor measure of acceptance in some circle or another. How could I make "being me" work, especially in rugged capitalist America? Energetically there is simply no overlap. And my sense of the Goddess's values being just about literally the opposite of our culture's adds to the picture -- I think I was on Her wavelength before I realized it. The amount of energy I have expended all these decades doing things that weren't "me" -- trying, sometimes desperately, to fit in, or succeed, find a home, or adopt other peoples' passions -- yikes! I always say it is a miracle that I am alive, and I say it again. I don't regret anything and I met such extraordinary people along the way. I've been getting clearer and clearer about this for years, haven't I? But finally I completely trust myself and my perceptions. It's like some kind of powerful truth serum has washed over me, and I can delineate with exceptional clarity those experiences that were genuinely "me", and those that were not.
Putting aside for a moment all the other ways I have denied being myself, there's the question of England. I am on another binge watch of "UK Portrait Artist of the Year", and reminded again of the shame I have always felt at knowing in my heart that England is home. Sort of like, when I'm in the US, England is my guilty secret, and when I've been in the UK, I've not dared fully relax into being happy and at peace. It is a part of me I have fought and fought and fought, especially recently. But this time, I am not fighting. I'm embracing it. I'm seeing pictures of "home" on the television and feeling the warmth and love percolate through me. Allowing myself to simply be that person, to allow the mantle of unacceptance and shame drop away effortlessly, and be in joy.
It's interesting that the finale of the season I just watched had the winning portraitist paint author Hilary Mantel, and in the painting she is wearing a prominent scarf, almost a mantle. I don't think any of these kinds of coincidences are coincidences!
OMG. I'm so thankful. It took 70 years, but I've made it back to the starting line. For whatever it is worth, near the top of my list of assets for the Aquarian Age is that each human being on earth be encouraged to fully be themselves! Each and every human being.
