I'm only a few hours into a retreat, and I'm already counting down the days and hours until it ends -- and not in a good way. In the, "I wish it didn't have to end" way. This is old energy, but there it is.
First, may I say a word about clocks, without trying to delve into the whole thing about whether or not time really exists. That's beyond my comprehension. But I am a clock person, a "wear an old-fashioned watch" person. I tend to arrive places early, and be very conscious of timings, even when I am not in charge of an event, or have no way to control things (like buses running late, etc.) It can lead to some stress and anxiety which a more clock-free person might never experience.
On a larger scale, clocks have loomed largest for me on occasions (like right now) when I am spending a limited time doing the thing I am happiest about, which makes me, "me". The classic was the year I spent studying in England (and for nine months, singing services with the Royal Holloway choir) -- I was in such a perfect milieu for me, and was so happy, that I wanted more than anything to stay there the rest of my life! But my airline ticket back to the US was scheduled for late September of '81, and so my mental clock started ticking down almost the day I arrived. As the year progressed, I became unhappier and unhappier (although I was able to pull it together and finish my thesis work), and as I've already mentioned several times, I cried all the way back across the Atlantic. What was I dreading? "The real world." Having to return to find work that would likely not interest me, pay back student loans, play a part in corporate America, in a country that felt foreign, etc. The contrast isn't quite so stark now (more like, returning to prepare for low-income senior housing or a better equivalent) but that sense of "the real world" energetically not fitting me is as profound as ever, perhaps even more so because of the events we are witnessing.
I had an "aha" this morning, and if it's the only one I have over the next few days, this will have been a rich retreat! The "aha" is the realization that, of course, what I didn't want to leave wasn't just England, the church music milieu, the retreat center/contemplative milieu, or even simply being on my own, able to use my time as I wish. What I have hated seeing the clock tick down on is me being me. Me feeling free to be absolutely who I am, without allowing our culture or our economy or others' opinions to squash her. My Goddess-orientation may be a relatively new wrinkle, but She was always there under the surface. Even with such power within me, I tended to cringe once the clock ran out, and let the "real world" take over, dictate events, and batter me about. I handed over my power.
The trick now, is to return to the so-called real world, knowing that my Goddess-centered, English church music-loving, mystic, New Age self is now more important to me than anything the world serves up. Anything. I plan to stand tall, walk out of this door, and continue (energetically) to be fully me, knowing the alarm will never again go off on that!
