I just wanted to report a small amount of success in
becoming a more material girl (I probably would have said this without Madonna, but thank you, Madonna!)
Last Friday, I had the opportunity to visit a major
mall. Now, this is an interesting spiritual
exercise when you really cannot spend any money. For a number of years, I have avoided malls
almost literally like the plague, and on the rare occasions that I set foot in
one, my whole soul and body would scream “no.”
No to the commercialism, no to the (to my eyes) unattractive clothing,
no to the chain stores and huge quantities of stuff. No to spending money. No to making the money so I could spend the money. Just plain no.
But I was determined this time at least to enter the
place with a different energy. After
all, look where all those “no’s” have brought me. Some grand adventures, but not much in the
way of solidity.
I was determined, if nothing else, to look for things I liked. For some interesting reason, the only
“material” items that really spoke to me were some extremely high end purses
and wallets in the window of a store I didn’t dare even walk into. But I stood, with my nose pressed (almost
Victorian child-like) to the glass, looking at these gloriously attractive
leather handbags in a variety of colors, thinking, I would genuinely like one
of those. And that. And that too.
I mean, it sounds absurd, but it was liberating just to want something
tangible, and to say it to myself without immediately contradicting myself! For me, it was quite revolutionary, after decades of training myself
not to desire material things.
And I genuinely appreciated the mall’s variety and life.
I appreciated the man who helped the woman with a cane getting off the escalator, the visibly efficient and hard-working staff in several stores, the guy
who said “God bless you” when I sneezed but never took his eyes off his cell
phone as he strode down the hallway, the colorful shopping bags, the neat
poster of a labyrinth in the coffee shop.
I spent a mere $2.53 in that mall, on an iced coffee, but upon leaving,
I realized that I genuinely had not had a negative reaction to anything the
whole hour. And I guess anything that is not a “no” is a “yes.” Perhaps I am finally saying yes to life in a
way I wasn’t before, which, for a wandering mystic who wants to stop wandering,
is progress.
My inner landscape is transforming by the hour. It’s the kind of progress that might be
invisible to a lot of people, but things are moving. In this deep midwinter, in the stillness,
it’s happening, like a creaking glacier, like the cracking of the ice
around the Essex-Charlotte ferry in February. Erratic and slow. But welcome.
I am grateful.
