I don't know about any of you, but almost every time I have started to take a significant step the last few years, my little "boat" has almost been swamped -- and in my case, I won't attribute the turbulence to any outside forces trying to stop me, the devil, or any energy except the fears and old patterns within me.
What a weekend! In addition to the melting down I referred to in the last blog, I had a moment where the events of my junior year of college came back to me in full force, and I saw with clarity how certain beliefs and patterns had become entrenched at that time, arguably holding me back in significant ways for forty years. Now, the writer and historian in me would love to analyze this in exquisite detail. I mean, it is actually totally fascinating. And my inner "coach" came up with an exercise yesterday, whereby I might have done a little ritual to release "the old."
And yet, in the end, I decided not to do either one. Not right now, and maybe not ever. It was important to acknowledge the revelation I had, and to feel some of the feelings that came up. And it makes a certain amount of sense that this would happen once I had a slight bit of distance from the old stretch of river. A few more of these "aha's" may be coming in upcoming weeks. But to focus much more than that on patterns that I do not wish to repeat on this new stretch of river would be counterproductive. The "temptations" I've experienced at key moments are, to wallow in painful memories, to give in to fear and exhaustion (frighteningly easy at 60!), and to give my power away. There's only one way to avoid these things: to the best of my ability, I just turn my face forward to the new stretch of river, try to feel the guiding energies of love and joy, and navigate only by them. In the midst of the melting down, I have actually been connecting with the people I need to connect with, and making the plans I wish to make. What a blessing!
