So yesterday, I started out the day with one of those spiritual-person's vows -- that I would compassionately treat everyone I met, or every situation I found myself in. I then proceeded to flunk this exam within the hour! I was working on a crossword puzzle, waiting for the library to open. A tall older white man (yes, I think older than me!) tried to engage me in conversation. There was something amiss, whether it was addiction issues or what, I don't know, but my guard immediately went up, and went up further as he leaned into me to try to read what I was writing. His head must have been four or five inches from mine. My inner New Yorker (in public, we always gave each other a great deal of space) and my inner self-protective female both overruled my good intentions. I'm hard on men, I know I am. Is this an impediment to other women who try to operate spiritually and lovingly? If this part of us has been abused at some point, there is still so much hurt to rise above.
Something else has been on my mind. The other day, I made reference again to my high IQ. I always hesitate to talk about it, I really do. But it may be one of the primary things that makes me "me", and I have been grieving how inadequately I ended up using my intelligence much of this lifetime. The other day, a Jeopardy contestant referred to a wonderful teacher who had sat down (when he was young) and talked with him about what life would be like for him, with his exceptional intelligence. I grieved even more. Why didn't anyone do that with me? I dare say that in the early 1960's, it was still assumed that as a girl, I really would have no reason to use my brain. And while a few men over the years have come straight out and critiqued my references to my degrees, for instance, for the most part, I've begun to see how it was more often a passive case of being teased, ignored, or not hired. And of course, I increasingly see how "patriarchal" all the jobs or careers would have been, had I made those choices. I think, too, of bright young girls worldwide. In worst case scenarios, they are being silenced, and in better scenarios, they are being educated in systems more conducive to men. Hmm...I think I recently asked this, but I'll do it again: Goddess, moving forward, how do I use this brain of mine for your benefit?
For the moment, I continue to write!
Lastly, it's a windy, blustery day at the head of the lake. Chilly, closer to normal mid-March. I guess one use of this brain will be not to forget how thoroughly abnormal the rest of the winter was. We are not in "normal" times. How to face this fact square on, but also lovingly and looking for beauty -- this will take hearts and brains.
