It always seems to happen, and yet for some reason, it always takes me by surprise. Each time I reach a new plateau in my journey (most recently, a new willingness to be defined by my centeredness in the divine feminine, and to go so far as to create some visiting/"business" cards that say so), there's a major pushback.
Sunday morning, far too early, I woke up in what I can only call a state of fury towards my father, who is no longer alive. In a general sense, it had to do with all the ways he put his own well-being ahead of anyone else's -- especially his family's -- and I guess that's all I'll say at the moment. I realize I need to find a therapist locally who has expertise in treating the trauma caused by extreme narcissism. I've been so good at intellectualizing the situation. I believe that, as a soul, I chose this experience in this lifetime, and that I needed to understand such a loveless world from the inside out because it is so prevalent in most of our institutions. And although I stopped communicating with my dad a year or so before his death, I knew that fighting him or his condition was pointless. I've tried to transmute my knowledge into a new focus on the Great Mother.
But clearly, I ended up leaving my own human emotions "under the rug". The little girl who not only felt unloved, but knew for a fact that she was unloved in any genuine sense of the word, is now a 68-year old woman with almost no experience of what it would be like to be cared for. I don't mean rescued, I don't mean loved romantically or swept off my feet. Just what it would be like to be cared for (because of exactly who you are and how extraordinary you are) by a family, a community, and a culture, heading into old age. Thank the Goddess for my female friends in whom I have experienced facets of such love and care. But for heaven's sake, our whole world should be like this! All older women should be guaranteed a beautiful, secure home, and the conditions in which they can best express their loving wisdom and impart it to younger generations.
It's not lost on me that this is Earth Day. And it's also not lost on me that one of the definitions for "fury" is an angry woman. How angry is Mother Earth at centuries of thoughtless defilement? Perhaps all these threads are really a single one. I don't believe that She is likely to express her fury fighting back at us (as we are Her creation). I anticipate acts of transformation and transmutation. And so may I transform and transmute my own fury....
