As I said last time, I seem to have uncovered some really hard anger around my family, specifically my father. I guess I've been dealing with this for years, but I was really thrown nearly nonfunctional by this most recent layer of the onion. I've been numb, drained. I'm not the kind of person who finds healing in long walks or sitting under a favorite tree. I wish I were, for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that it would be more consistent with my Goddess-centrism. I have, however, found it comforting to do some cooking and baking. On the negative side, I've watched a little too much bad television, and caught a few too many horrifying news reports...hmmmm.
It's always hard to start over with any new practitioner...at the first appointment, it's almost impossible tell a quick story of my life! But on this occasion, I'm not just going to muddle through without help. I owe it to those of you who read this blog, and to my friends, not to leave too much pain or anger just lurking around in my system. I'm grateful to have had the family I did in many ways -- it almost guaranteed that I would end up unconventional! And some of the anger and pain have been catalysts for my feminism and my exploration of new ways of being in the world. But there's a tipping point where it could swamp this fragile little boat of mine, or hurt others, and I don't want either of those outcomes. I'm thankful to live somewhere where there are a few different therapy options.
I often pull one or two oracle cards in the morning, to help me address the challenges of the day or any questions I have. Yesterday, I was shuffling my Motherpeace deck (the cards are round), and about a.half dozen of the cards went flying (literally) out over the edge of the bed to the floor. Two that ended up face up were The Tower and The Fool. It is interesting, in many decks, the Tower figures basically dive head first out of the collapsing structure, which has been hit by lightning -- chaos, life turned upside down. And the Fool is often pictured walking normally, but rather cluelessly, off a cliff or into a raging river. (It signifies the very beginning of the journey, when you are childlike and have a beginner's mind.) In the Motherpeace deck, however, the Tower figure is still upright at the top, seeming to receive shamanic information about the disaster -- and the Fool is walking upside down on her hands into a river.
In my journal, I sketched a little picture of me diving headfirst off the tower and landing safely on my hands in the river. Kind of a blending of the two concepts. As hard as these last few days have been, I feel strangely strong, as if I'm "officially" leaving behind the crumbling structure of my beginnings, and playfully entering the flowing waters of the Goddess. Whatever is going on, I need to walk through the process step by step and not flinch or try to turn back. And I need to not forget love.
