Today, there are two intertwining themes.
I've read that it is common -- at certain stages of a spiritual journey -- for a mystic's indispensable connection to the Divine to just drop out of sight. That this can be most likely to happen at a critical juncture like the one I am at now. And if this is what is happening, I am here to tell you that it is a wretched, wretched feeling. When your whole life lens is spiritual, suddenly being unable to access your spiritual center puts all other losses and abandonments in the shade. I don't quite believe that the Goddess or my guides have left me completely -- they are "there" somewhere -- but I would give anything right now to feel the breath of the Divine, and to "hear" Her clear, unambiguous instructions.
The second theme is "applying". All my life, I have been "applying myself". For decades, I applied to be loved by my family. I applied and applied to be accepted into the world of English church music. I've applied for schools and jobs, auditioned for choirs, applied for apartments and living situations, tried to gain the acceptance that might lead to permanent housing. Perhaps even this blog could be said to be me applying for recognition or even acclaim. I've tried to prove that I write well enough, get good enough grades, sing and sightread well enough, am smart enough, wise enough, helpful enough, a quick enough learner, and good enough at housekeeping or helping sick people. At times, I have had to prove that I'm poor enough, or a good enough artist or teacher. I've tried all my life to meet the "conditions" set for me from without, and I'm just exhausted by this process.
Somewhere within me, I know that the only world worth being in is a world of unconditional love and acceptance, and this is where today's themes intertwine. To go further on this journey, I must feel the Divine presence more clearly and return to the certainty that Her love isn't conditional in any way. Her loving, supportive energies will surely break through lingering layers of fear at the best possible moment...and, for once, I cannot micromanage when that moment is!
