Two things about the Goddess before I begin...in a transitional time like this one, you wake up in the morning, ultra-thankful to the Goddess to be alive at all. And over the weekend, I realized (of course!) that no matter what my living situation may or may not be in about two weeks, the image I had of my mother welcoming me home is undoubtedly that of the Great Mother. I am back, I am "home", and I never have to leave again to try to be anything I am not.
So, "what if"... I wrote quite a good post by almost this same title nine years ago, September 2015, when I was in much the same situation I am in now! It shows that my life hasn't essentially changed since then, and that it has always required almost superhuman spiritual tenacity -- something I'm not quite feeling in 2024! Anyway, here's the post I worked on this weekend, longhand...
Although my situation is unique, I have been trying to imagine what it would have been like to have reached this age in a more conventional manner. What if I had had a career in business or academia, and received professional accolades in my retirement? Or what if I had married and had children and grandchildren whose lives were intertwined with mine? What if I had a husband who was sick or disabled, whose care I was responsible for? Or what if I myself was struggling with illness, needing care from others? What if good fortune had found me and a spouse living in an upscale retirement community, playing golf and bridge, and with not a care in the world? What if...what if...what if...
There are probably as many "American women at 68" stories as there are American women at 68. I'm not sure if other women are as introspective as I am. But if introspective "me" had somehow reached this age in any of these other situations, I probably would still have found myself agonizing over how to proceed into older age with as much alignment with "the real me" as possible. In some of these situations, I might feel the chasm between my physical reality and "the real me" even more acutely than I am now. In fact, it might be nearly impossible to see the barest outline of me, once the labels of "professor of ____" or "mother" or "grandmother" or "wife" or "worker" or "nurse" or "patient" were stripped away.
So, all in all, I'm actually glad I have walked the path I have walked, and to know myself so completely. The tradeoff has been wrenchingly hard. (I won't lie. A few times these last few months, it has been tempting to throw up my hands and say, "the heck with this!") But I feel a responsibility, not only to the Goddess, but to all other women, to continue to step forward into further self-actualization. One step at a time, one day at a time. With no promise that anyone will ever get it, or that my life will get any easier. If I can find the courage for one more day, that's enough for today.
