I guess some of the lists I've done the last few days have helped. For the first time since my brother died over two months ago, I feel somewhat at peace. You can have spent years doing "spiritual work" but this kind of loss just throws things into turmoil, doesn't it? I don't sense his presence right now, but I have had periodic snapshots of this blonde, laughing kid, bubbly and energetic, as he was, in a way, right to the end. I was always the serious big sister, dark haired and kind of a worry wart, trying to keep my brothers from getting into trouble. How, exactly, do you keep two young boys from mischief? It was a lost cause! Whether it was bee stings, or roughhousing in the back deck of the station wagon, or splashing on the waters of Lake Champlain in tiny tippy little blue plastic boats, "the boys" were a bundle of energy. But they always had fun...being older big sister, "fun" is something I've kind of had to learn, and am still learning!
When someone commiserated with me at the memorial service, I said, "yeah, it was not a good week for being a big sister." And I realize that somehow I had brought with me into adulthood that sense that I needed to protect my brothers. Once we all reached adulthood, I'm sure that role must have expired...but Andrew's death made me realize I had never quite released it. Over these last two months, it's taken a bit of doing, but I have finally accepted that I was a great (although, at times, irritating) big sister early on, when I needed to be. Then all of us went our separate directions, to totally different lives. Now the family equation has changed again. Two-plus months on, I'm just beginning to feel at peace with this new reality, and to give myself permission to be the bubbly one from time to time!
