"Don't think so much!"

How many of us were told this when we were children?  Especially those of us who were girls.  My mother was particularly likely to say it, probably because she spent the most time with me and was at the receiving end of the most challenging statements and questions that came out of my mouth.  I don’t blame Mom – undoubtedly she had been silenced too, and discouraged from “thinking.”  The whole twentieth century, certainly through my childhood, was an era of children being “seen and not heard.”  Nice little girls were not supposed to mull over the nature of God, or to question church theology, world history, or, worse still, admit to being “a great Episcopalian but probably not a Christian.”  The latter, which remains my paradoxical reality to this day, sent our sixties-era station wagon careening to the side of the road, where mom, in barely controlled fury out of clenched teeth, said, “Do. Not. Say. Such. A. Thing. Ever. Ever. Again.”  The power of the things I was thinking to discomfort or even anger people having been fully demonstrated, I clammed up for decades, remaining silent in academic settings where I really should have been participating, remaining in employee roles when I should have been the boss, and resisting, terrified, the opportunity to write publicly about anything I was thinking.  In personal situations when I drummed up the courage to speak my truth only to be shot down, I would burst into tears and walk away.  It was my comfort choice, I guess.

This comes up because the Fire Starter book (see previous blog) exercises seem to be unusually efficient at getting to the core of what one loves to do.  At the top of all my lists is Deep Thinking, and Writing (or Talking about) what I’m thinking about.  I’ve kept a journal most of my adult life, at times waking up in the wee hours so that I could write before work.  Even during the years, even decades, that I did not sing, I kept writing.  Writing was the thing I couldn’t “NOT” do, like breathing.  But what I wrote was stuffed into the proverbial box, kept away from view.

Of course, while many of us have been taught to be “critical thinkers,” society as a whole would probably prefer that we not be too successful at it.  I mean, I can poke intellectual holes in just about every construct in our world, from capitalism to health care to religion.  I can understand and assess situations on a dime, and express myself about them (although until now I have mostly held back, or tried to communicate with unwelcoming audiences!) And having recently come to understand the Law of Attraction power of my thoughts, I’m much more conscious of being aware of what my thoughts may be attracting, and am training myself to be mostly positive and uplifting in my thinking and writing, rather than "critical," per se.

Some people are creators.  Some people are growers. Some people are explorers. Some people are fighters.  Some people are buyers or sellers.  Some people teach. Some people nurture.  Some people heal.  I’m learning that I am a “thinker and expresser.”  The spiritual and intellectual energy coming through me must express.  For decades, I tried to be an artist because the end results were powerful, but I couldn’t stand to spend more than an hour painting, so I was not successful.  And while I still have an intense connection to a unique choral music tradition, there is still a disconcerting disconnect between what I really believe and the words coming out of my mouth.  It is only when I write – or converse with relatively like-minded people – that I am the fullest expression of “me.”  In a recent interview, I was asked what I saw myself doing in five years’ time.  I said, “Living in England and writing.”  I did not get the position!  But the moment those five words came out of my mouth, I felt a jolt.  The truth about “home” and my identity had finally come out.

Sorry, Mom.  And yet…I know that she was a deep thinker, too, with an extraordinary speaking voice.  In today’s world, she might have clawed her way out of the box as well!  As time goes on, perhaps more and more youngsters will be encouraged to think their wildest, most independent thoughts and dreams, and express them openly. And their parents will say, "Bravo!" Perhaps they are saying it today!