This isn't the post I was going to write today, but I guess being a blogger is a bit like being a stand-up comedian or a story teller. When you face your audience, a whole different story may come out than you intended.
Do you ever have one of those nights when you simply cannot get to sleep? You end up reading an entire book, and roll your eyes at that cup of tea you had just a little too late in the day. Once the light is off, you're still sitting bolt upright in the dark, feeling like your eyes are literally propped open with toothpicks.
And, last night, that's when it happened. I was blindsided by a wave of gratitude unlike any I have ever felt. Having just read a marvelous book (The House at Tyneford by Natasha Solomons) the only explanation I have is that for this brief moment in time, I could see my own life as a novelist or filmmaker might, as astonishingly full, dramatic, colorful, even suspense-filled. I was tearful, and yet also beaming with pride, over the degrees earned, the paintings painted, the letters, articles and blogs written, the students taught, the friends made, the travels and risks taken, and the evensong services sung and heard Whereas normally my attention gets stuck in the many roadblocks, hardships and uncertainties that have characterized my journey -- tempting me to lose heart -- in this context I could see them as important plot devices, catalysts for determination, movement and change. I was the heroine of my own novel. And yet, I was also the author. For perhaps the first time I fully embraced my creative role in all of it, good and bad.
And there was more to come. The wave of thankfulness lingered for a second in the present, and the warmth, safety, and new friends of my temporary current home, but then the wave kept moving, and pulled into its orbit my whole future. Now, I'm not talking about the sometimes well meaning, but slightly manipulative, "thanks in advance to the Universe for getting me x, y or z." Usually this doesn't work because underlying it is fear, a kind of "oh no, what will happen to me if x, y and z don't come?" No, this appreciation was different. It was a sort of gratitude bliss that wasn't attached to outcome. It's like, I can see that I am beginning to trust my choices and actions, in tandem with the powerful stream of Life and Love, and I can feel that what I'm creating now will be even more remarkable and book-worthy if I can stay thankful and open hearted. I finally fell asleep with a smile on my face.
I won't lie. It was hard to maintain this level of positivity in the light of day, as a rainy wind blew and fear tried to take the reins. And yet, at least now I have a clear memory of nearly an hour of my life spent in pure thankfulness. And I think it will get easier and easier to align to that energy moving forward. This is one heck of a good book I am writing. And what I love is, we are all writing amazing books if you think about it. I truly don't know one person with a boring life! Do you??
