Doing what I love

In one or two past blogs, I spoke about how totally crossed my wires were for most of my life. I tried and tried to "love" places, situations, and people that I actually did not love or were wrong for me, and turned my back on the places, situations and people that I did love. There are many reasons for this, and for the moment they are not important. But three years ago or so, with the help of a wonderful therapist, I started the really daunting process of reversing this situation. At first, I was like a deer in the proverbial headlights. I couldn't completely recognize what I did love, or the validity of doing what I love or loving what I love. Even to the degree that I began to see that this was something "people" should do, I wasn't sure I was worthy of it myself.

Anyone looking at my life right now would see few visible changes. I can't say that I am closer to having the life I would love than I was even a year-and-a-half ago when I started this blog. However, and this is a big however, there has been one change. Inwardly, I have finally crossed the line and can recognize clearly and immediately what I don't love, and what I do love. What little work I am doing is work that I love or enjoy or believe in. The few friends I'm in regular contact with are the ones I genuinely love and with whom I can fully be myself. I can tell the difference now, and don't rush headlong into that exhausting process of trying to love the (for me) unlovable or keeping a lot of superficial activities or people in my life so people think I am "busy" or "worthy."

I wanted to mention this today, because Wednesday is International Women's Day, and I understand there will be a strike. Now, while I won't "strike" per se (and I urge us to watch the implied violence of our words), I am going to make it another personal "doing what I love" day. I don't have any work scheduled, and I won't take any that might be offered to me last minute. I won't spend money, not because that is one of the activities of the strike, but because in my world, there would not be money in the first place. I will not watch TV or use my computer, partly because I know I will be exposed to things I don't love, and partly because I will be advertised to, which I do not love. If I can find a friend to talk with and we think we can avoid politics, perhaps a conversation will be part of the day, but if not, I'll stay on my own. I'll read a love story. I'll make a painting or a drawing. I'll listen to music and the rain that is predicted, or watch people walking by in the street. I'll sleep (with insomnia, I can always use it). I'll cook or bake something I love. I'll (uncharacteristically) leave the dishes in the sink and not clean up after myself or others. I won't try to fix the world. I'll just let everything be, do what I love, and let the day slide by as it will. It's a good excuse to practice.