Look at me

When you have had a lifetime like mine, you hope (literally, "pray without ceasing") that at least you will be a source of, if not inspiration, then at least deep thought about our world, our institutions, the condition of women (especially women alone in the world), new possibilities, etc. I've hoped it might spur people to envisioning a new way of doing things. And yet more often I simply make people uncomfortable, confused, even upset. I mean, I suspect that's why I have a few dozen readers a day, not hundreds or thousands. We're living in such a traumatized world that people with even a small iota of safety or security literally cannot bear to look at people with none. What has sometimes felt like huge rejection at my end isn't really that, it's just fear at the other person's end.

This isn't a "rah-rah-you-too-can-manifest-millions-of-dollars-en-route-to- enlightenment" blog. I wish it were. Those folks are doing well. Mine is more a "rah-rah-you-too-can-survive-while-trying-to-operate-in-integrity-as-the-traumatized-world-starts-to-shift-towards-love-not-fear" blog. It's the blog of a person who still owns nothing to speak of, but would rather be in that place in alignment to herself than most of the alternatives. It's the blog of a person who defies all expectations about "the poor." In a sense, I've chosen this but not as a Poor Clare would. In fact, I have finally "gotten" something about monastic vows of poverty which I'll talk about some morning when I don't have to be out the door so early.

But perhaps that is the point. I have the ability to write, and I need to keep writing. Yes, I'm privileged to have got a temp job at $11 an hour (I am seriously excited to have broken the $10 an hour ceiling that I've been bumping against for years!) A commute that would take about five minutes by car takes 45 minutes to an hour walking to the bus, waiting for the bus, then walking again. I have a half hour lunch break and am on my feet the rest of the time in a very high stress retail environment. Does this make even the slightest sense for a woman with a master's and a passion for English church music? Of course not. I am just the tip of a huge iceberg of people all over the world with mind-boggling talents and skills which aren't supported by our current paradigm. I guess my prayer for today, to my brothers and sisters who are "doing better," is this: don't try to save me. (I'm not lost.) Help me, sure, if you think I'm brilliant and extraordinary, but not if you think I need charity. Don't judge me. But also, don't hang on for dear life to what you have. The paradigm is shifting. You may well be in this situation before long as the world continues to evolve. Look at me, and don't be scared. Imagine "having" nothing. As this process continues, there will be less to fear in that scenario. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't have wanted to survive. But I do. I know there is more love in the world now than there was when I started on this path, and there is more every day. The more love there is, the less it will matter how much stuff you have. Yes, I believe that to be true.

Time to put my walking shoes on.