I guess it is safe to say that the topic of this blog has always been "my path", with all its twists and turns. But I feel a bit of urgency in a slightly more focused aim now. Since roughly my birthday, I have been in a phase of my life that I can only describe as being somewhat like getting in an elevator and rising up at least two floors -- spiritually. It's complete (I almost literally cannot see the previous floors of the building!) and it is scary. If there are any written instructions for such rapid spiritual growth, I haven't found them. So I feel a responsibility to try to express the experience in words because if my theory is right, there are numerous people around the world going through similar processes, and it might help to hear from one's peers.
Having "arrived" at the place of the Goddess, I suddenly feel like our current paradigm is years in the past. All our constructs, institutions and processes feel really, really dated. It's like I am looking back and going, isn't that quaint, that's how things used to be done! Old friends and old places feel like they are beyond a veil. I've walked through the new portal, and I can look back through the door, but not go back, certainly not as the same person I was.
Physically, this process is completely wrenching. I had an appointment with a healer yesterday, and today, every single aspect of my body feels like it is being turned upside down. Virtually every organ and bone and inner system seems to be "talking" to me (perhaps as if to say, why didn't you warn us?! I feel bad about that, but I just didn't know.) On a day when most normal people would be running around like chickens with their heads chopped off, there is so much to do to create an "action plan", all I have energy for is to fulfill my weekly cookie project and this blog. Afterwards, I may have to literally sleep the rest of the day. I am utterly, utterly exhausted!
And in terms of my upcoming move, I still know very little more than this, which came to me today (and for a woman from a highly narcissistic background, this is so hard to even say!): I will be living where I am a center of attention. I am a hub around which activities turn, and people will spend parts of each day helping me get my writing and speaking out there, or with practical chores. They will derive satisfaction from helping to better articulate the values of the Goddess in the world. We'll be facets of Her essence, working together -- but my presence will be important somehow, even indispensable, in a way I've never experienced. I'm so grateful for all my past living situations, but in the end, I had to hide Liz to a greater or lesser extent. Now, she's not hiding anymore.
Of course, coming from the paradigm we live in, this seems almost crazy. It wants to define me by my low income, or whether or not I had a genuine career, or ever got married and had children, or "where we can slot her in so she won't be any trouble to anyone". Some of my old inner voices have come up the elevator with me, and are highly skeptical!
Yet, my despair and fear are starting to dissipate. I'm curious. How will I get from where I am to a beautiful home, largely dedicated to these new paradigm values and people? When it's tempting to say, no one will help me, I gently insert the slightly more positive phrasing -- "I'm curious to see who I'll meet in this process! I am curious to see what new home is awaiting me!" "I'm curious to feel how lovely it would feel to receive enthusiastic assistance, and encouraging words". "I'm curious what a new paradigm, completely post-conflict community would look like and operate like." And it's no lie. I am curious!
