In the midst of all the other tears I've been crying, it has been hard not to enter "I want to go home" mode. To be like Dorothy, clicking her heels and saying, "There's No Place Like Home". Of course, she's right, there is no place like home, and fortunately for her, she had concerned family and friends, and a still-intact structure at the other end, to which the energy of her words whisked her. When I get into this mode, what I picture is our family's longtime summer "camp" (cabin) on Lake Champlain and the sound of the screen door slamming as we kids ran barefoot down to the beach. But this cabin was sold almost 30 years ago, and demolished not long after that by new owners, who built a larger structure. While it is not a phantom memory, it is a phantom reality.
What is interesting, though, is how when you are sorting through papers, you find the darnedest things, in this case, a print-out of my blog post of July 23, 2019. It's a reminder that where I am "from" -- my "home" -- is less concrete, a reminder to try to look at the bigger spiritual picture. Here is the core paragraph:
I would like to think I come from Love. I would like to think I come from Truth. I would like to think I come from Harmony and Music. I would like to think I come from Beauty. I would like to think I come from Art. I would like to think I come from Good. I would like to think I come from Empathy and Generosity. I would like to think I come from Joy. I would like to think I come from Expansion and Spiritual Growth. I would like to think I come from Vision. I would like to think I come from Perfect Self-Expression. I would like to think I come from Wisdom. I would like to think I am as good a representative as I can be of the Divine Feminine.
Looking at where I am from, from this perspective, I know without a shadow of a doubt that in a more Goddess-centered culture, I would have found a modest permanent home decades ago. Wise women, in a world with that orientation, would be honored and cared for (not necessarily "saved", though!) Whether we will reach that point in my current lifetime, it's hard to say.
I've probably said this before; people often say to me, "You must love moving, the gypsy lifestyle!" And the fact is, I totally don't. I am so thankful to my situation these last three years where I finally got to feel a sense of stability, to see how I flourish and become more of who I really am! I am essentially an anchoress, a hermit, someone who needs to be rooted in place, with only occasional forays out into the world (hopefully, in the near future, to speak with individuals or groups). For years, given my inability to satisfactorily engage in our work system, moving around was just a slightly better option than low-income housing high-rises. I needed to be closer to the ground, and to feel, even temporarily, a sense of hominess and shared purpose with friends. Right this minute, though, I realize that my wandering days are over. I simply cannot do it any more. I know that my higher self must surely know where my forever home is to be! Today may I step away from my chattering, fear-filled side and let the Goddess hold up her brilliant torch and guide me. On this Aquarius full moon, this Aquarian mystic is grateful for new lessons in allowing and following.
