The last few days were brought to life in part by having accessed a place of gratitude, and in part by the presence of a beautiful, cheerful, curious, 14- or 15-month old boy. Much to my surprise, his joyful energy shone another light on my lack of children and grandchildren, and I burst into tears about it, which I have rarely done before. Another iron bar around my heart has shattered.
But it also highlighted once again how this "60 portal" is so different for me than for most of my friends. Looking ahead, I don't have the tether of these younger ones, or the responsibilities of aging parents or husband. As most of you know, I have also chosen under the circumstances to avoid the responsibility of a home, car or significant possessions, I have no money to manage, and I cannot look back at a successful and lucrative career, or around me at an intentional community of people. In fact, looking at my two-year planner, I see that technically, I have nailed down absolutely no plans whatsoever after January 2, 2017. It is, in artistic terms, an entirely blank canvas, as my life has so often been.
I've been told several times that I have done nothing worthwhile in my life, which is ridiculous on its face. But it is true that my physical life has become increasingly "insubstantial" with every passing year. The paradox of this, when I feel the growing weight of my substance as a highly intelligent, creative, artistic, musical, wise, articulate, loving, expressive woman, is almost too much to bear sometimes. Why, when I am obviously so aligned with who I was meant to be and I have so much inner power, do I find it so hard to "have"/earn substance and support, operating from that place? I mean, I have chosen to live in integrity with me, to follow the tether of my own heart to the Divine, but goodness has there been a cost. Yes, I am rather inept at practicalities, but sometimes I just think it is because I have largely self-actualized outside of our world's traditional male construct. Its energy and mine are on two different wavelengths. I don't get it, I can't function within it, and in the end I'm glad I've walked the tightrope, although I'm exhausted from the energy it takes not to crash entirely.
What keeps me going, when the parents scoop the little kids out the door, and I look around at someone else's house, and watch an entire country tripping over itself to spend money when I have none to spend? What keeps me going when there is no "job" (other than writing this blog) that fully fits my unique skills and passions? What keeps me going when I walk towards age 61 in a landscape I can barely see from the fog? I think it's two things. Number one, someone, someday, will want the benefit of my wisdom and unique experiences. Someone, someday, will "pay" me to be me (and I put that in quotes because I suspect that whole system will change completely in upcoming years.) Number two, I am hanging on in the hope of seeing a day when every little girl in the world is encouraged to fully self actualize, and discover her talents and powers early in life, outside the pressure of money and motherhood. That new world will embrace her, know she is substantial, and give her an even wider scope of choices about how to "do" her authentic self, including of course, motherhood. It won't be so either/or. As for the current voices at odds with such a vision for women, well, I am sorry there are such unhappy people out there, but we are on a journey to a better world for all men and women. No human being is meant to be left out. Take my word for it.
